Puffer Fish in My Soup

CURSE YOU GOOGLE!!

2006-08-31T10:22:00.000+01:00

I have just got my first googlewhack. Well, not really. You see, despite the words 'tetragrammaton arachnophobes' getting but one result, it doesn't know what the latter means. This, despite the definition provided for the single 'arachnophobe' containing the sentence, 'Arachnophobes will spare no effort to make sure that their whereabouts are spider-free'. So, the website that doesn't know what arachnophobes means, knows how to use the word, and does so? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?!?!?

Shoesies

2006-06-09T13:31:00.000+01:00

I got some new shoes

And some new shoe laces

Pretty cool, eh?

I...

2006-06-09T13:00:00.000+01:00

I AM glad at the way things have turned out, at the end of the day

I WANT to fulfill my potential (I know it's around here somewhere)

I WISH I could be a little less like I am and a little more like I'd like to be

I MISS the days before my grandfather got alzheimers

I WONDER what career I should go for

I REGRET not keeping in contact with Glod. We need to go to a renaissance fair, just like old times!

I AM NOT as good as you probably think I am

I DANCE like a monkey on LSD

I AM NOT ALWAYS the tolerant, left-wing kinda guy I think I am

I MAKE WITH MY HANDS because my toes are too short to be useful

I WRITE but not nearly as much as I think of writing

I CONFUSE just about everybody

I NEED to let it all out

I SHOULD get into this whole revising business. Seems to me like I'm missing out on something pretty important

I START when others miss their cue

I FINISH occasionally

I TAG everyone in the known universe, even if you don't want to be, and especially if you've already done this

The Dic

2006-06-03T14:52:00.000+01:00

Read the part about Nintendo's new console. It's just one phallic reference after another.

Phone, you so broke

2006-06-02T21:44:00.000+01:00

Today I threw my phone a good twenty feet skywards to see what would happen when it came into contact with the McArthur Glen Mansfield (even though it's closer to Derby) car park. It takes not an extravagant stretch of the imagination to conclude that it rather quickly became four smaller parts of a phone. The truly terrifying part came when it was reaching the apex of it's flight, as it slowed down and I realised that I was never going to catch that even if I tried really hard, and that I was never going to try really hard, or at all. It must have remained at the peak of it's journey for a good few minutes (oh, how the mind distorts) and the feeling of helplessness as it clacked onto the concrete pushed walls of fear into my stomach. I hastily ran to the scene of destruction and retrieved what remained of my phone. Then I rebuilt it. It was quite easy, but then I realised that the guard over the camera lens had dropped out, as had the button to make it be on or off. Fortunately, it looks a lot cooler now the camera is on full display and I should always have something with which I can turn it on or off. Which is good. The back doesn't come off as easily as it used to and it sometimes turns itself off. The '1' button doesn't always work, nor does the little joystick thingy. It's a bit scratched. Photos next week (parents in Prague so they took the camera with them, selfish commies)

A world first? I dunno

2006-06-02T07:56:00.000+01:00

Today I shall be reviewing... My new toothbrush. It's probably already been done before in Which? or something (could you check and let me know in the comments please - I'm sooo lazy today). It's one of these. Picking up the box, I vaguely remembered seeing the ad - a group of scientists stood around holding clipboards and talking, and then watching a dubious animation of a giant brush-head removing giant brown flakes (bran?) from inhumanly white teeth on a giant holographic screen. The future, eh? Or maybe it happens now and dentists are far more advanced than the rest of us? Who knows and, quite frankly, who cares? You know how even the crappy brushes today have a bunch of different bristles - medium blue ones at the edge, short green and medium white ones in the middle and dangerously long white ones at the tip? Add yellow rubber paddles into the mix and you have my new toothbrush. Well, kinda. It isn't a normal toothbrush, oh no, it has - TWO HEADS! They look like one, but they can move independantly as they are split down the middle. I'm sure that if I had been brought up with such technology, I would better be able to utilise it, but being used to single-headed brushes and all, any change in form is no doubt arbitrary at best. Those paddles are weird. Hinged to provide movement, they also have these blue rubber stoppers for one or both of two reasons; either they are to keep the paddle in place when brushing takes place, preventing them from sliding limply over one's molars with each passing brush, or they are to stop said paddles reaching in through the gaps in the teeth and causing terrible bleeding/brain damage. Your call, but I know which one I believe. The brush has an electric vibratey type function - living up to it's name ceremoniously - which is shockingly bad. It feels like a normal electric toothbrush bereft of the will to live, as you will be too (well, the will to live part, not the electric toothbrush. Presumably, I mean, who am I to judge?) if you bought expecting a work of dildonic insanity, 'MORE BEAST THAN BRUSH!' but it's actually rather crap once you press the big '+' button. Oh well. Despite all it's perplexing features and ineptitude, it cleans your teeth something fierce. I can't remember the last time mine were so clean. Therefore, I give it a deserved, 9/10. I think I may start reviewing everything now in my usual style. At least it'll give me something to blog about.

I've had a haircut (god damn I'm trendy) so I'm going to post some pictures I'll (hopefully) take tomorrow next week. Huzzah.

Half term blues

2006-02-24T10:34:00.000Z

My half term is ten days long. Let's see what I've done.
Saturday - Went to work for three hours, then lazed around house
Sunday - Was an hour early for work, so I sat around for an hour, then worked for four, then lazed around house
Monday - Went into town, set up an ISA, got library card, took out from library:
-A Brief History of Pants (rubbish)
-Carrie (brilliant)
-De-loused in the Comatorium (one of the best albums I've ever heard)
Tuesday - lazed around house
Wednesday - Went into nottingham. Was supposed to meet a few friends from college, but one was in Deepdale so he couldn't come, and I can't remember why the other couldn't, but he couldn't. Spent two hours alone and wandering around. Bought three issues of Hate and two badges, then lazed around house
Thursday - Went into Wollaton to do Media Studies coursework - it was cold and miserable and horrible and I hated it

I'm going to a friend's house tonight to watch a Ramones film (I think it's End of the Century), so at least that should be good. On monday I'm going into mansfield to see my orthodontist (hopefully he'll allow me to wear my retainers only at night) and then into HMV to look for Hearts And Unicorns by Giant Drag.
Rest of my half term - please, please don't suck.

Can I invite a few guys to join our blog of wonders? I promise they won't be assholes...

Back in black (and white)

2006-02-07T20:03:00.000Z

I'm sorry I haven't posted in so very long. I haven't been getting home from college until half past five and by then I can't be arsed to do anything, least of all blog. I could do some at college, 'cept I'm one unauthorised website away from being blocked from the net, and I don't really want that to happen. I've finally got some. They give me blisters and hurt like hell if I don't have a plaster on my heel, but it's worth it cos they look so damn good (or so I've been told). Have started collecting comics. Well, Hate and JtHM. But they rock, so whatever. I don't think I have anything else to say. Oh yeah, has anything important happened that I've missed in the lives and blogs of you guys?

_

2005-12-10T20:56:00.000Z

Such pretty pictures...

2005-11-10T15:02:00.000Z

I'm bored. I think we should start doing this again. Not competetively or anything, just to make things more interesting. That, and to make up for the lack of activity if no one can think of anything to blog. I'll start:
Simon was sure the zoo keepers wouldn't give him tainted food, but he had to sniff it anyway. Just to make sure.
National shrinkage of chefs leads to increase in food-related slapstick comedy.
After unveiling the southern hemisphere's largest telescope, President Thabo concluding the event with the words "our next telescope's going to be this big!"

Stuff Happens.

2005-11-07T20:45:00.000Z

And then I blog, of course.

199(something): DJ born, and does a poo which is unusual in being rather dark and verging on black, he also had a hernia, the awkward git.

Then he spilt my Sea-Monkeys into the carpet, and fell over in some nettles, and broke his leg, and got attacked by our dog Oscar so he had to go to a new home, and broke his tooth (twice) and just now...

Managed to stabbed in the eye with a balloon pump.

Of all the freaking things to be stabbed with by our little sister it had to be the pointy end of a balloon pump, not something nice like a calculator in the knee, but in his freaking eye as well.

I tried to handle it myself, but it was still bleeding after 10 seconds so I dialled that number which people dial what was it? Oh yes, I remember now: 999.

"Is he conscious and breathing properly?"

(at this point he was sobbing whilst hopping from foot to foot, so I assumed yes, he was breathing and conscious)

let me tell you something, phoning for an ambulance ("Hello? Help, there's blood, every where...") does not improve the mood, so I pointed out that he had two eyes. It didn't help, but at least I didn't vocalise my thoughts about eyepatches.

Eventually mother turned up, about the same time the ambulance, and lo and behold, guess who opened their eye to find that it had stopped bleeding? "Is that all?" said the medic jovially "Shall we go back already?"

That was the last straw, I really didn't enjoy being portrayed as an over reacting sissy pants, so I hid in the kitchen. But I was called back out to testify against the 7 year-old perpetrator: "It was a balloon pump" I said as some sort of weak justification for my actions.

And after all that work (fetch a cloth, unlock the door, refrain from feeding the injured etc) I didn't even get to go in the ambulance.

Life's a bitch.

"Avast ye, they be takin' our loofahs! Well, me hearteys, let's give 'em what for!"

2005-11-01T21:44:00.000Z

I'm thinking of writing a play about pirates. I'm also going to write a novel that's a cross between Naked Lunch and The Krankies. Fandabidrugaddict. Ironically, in what is my most creatively fertile time in years, I've less time thatn I ever have before. Because I spend nine hours a day at college, at which the computers can only be used for school-work, and there's a guy monitoring them all so he can check if you're blogging and deactiveate your account thusly, there isn't much time to write, except on paper, which is a horrid thing to do because it gets all smudgy and then I've got to type it up anyway so why bother? Before college I'm knackered, after college I'm knackered, and during the weekend I have to catch up on the homework I didn't do in the week because I was too knackered. So I can't really write then, can I? Or can I... Well, yes. As of this friday (sooner, probably) we'll be starting the coursework section of the english language course. Basically, I've got to do loads of creative and analytical writing. So that's the play, novel, and all the articles I'm supposed to have written for the college magazine sorted. I get to indulge in a spot of authorial masturbation, and I get all the work I have to do out of the way at the same time. I'm still working on that list (I'll get it done soon, honest) and there's nothing left for me to say. Oh yeah, I'm not going to do NaNoWriMo this year unless I can get a lot done at college. I've already reactivated my account, but I may not write anything. Obviously, I'll keep you guys up to date on the novel/play. And remember, bread is back. Over and out.

One million billionth of a nanosecond on a sunday morning

2005-10-18T18:40:00.000+01:00

I went to Nottingham with Melissa on sunday and I couldn't find any of these shoes to try on. She also wouldn't go in any of the shoe shops with me. Which I thought was perhaps the teeniest bit mean. But hey, what can you do? College just keeps getting better as I keep making new friends, including Max ('I can breakdance, honest'), Tom ('Yeah'), Henry ('Like, totally awesome dude') and Jenna ('So I was like, isn't it awfully nice to have a penis, I'm so terrified'). Soundgarden also keep getting better, as I keep listening to Louder Than Love and it keeps showing hidden depths and stuff. Maybe I should write about it for my next freak scene post. Maybe someone should look at it. Just maybe. That list of 100 things about myself should be done in about a week. Buh bye.

.:.

2005-10-09T01:21:00.000+01:00

Glod is quite possibly the most cultured student at his school. Even more so perhaps then the girl who wore a french Pokemon t-shirt (Attrapez Les Tous!).

I've managed to have seen The Battle of Stalingrad (in marionettes), eaten enough lobster to be sick of it, and now I've seen an Opera. It was a big beefy affair, with surtitles and groping and innuendo (though no-one in the audience sang along). Luckily I was well equipped, having just completed my eleven years studying English I was able to say such things as "I see people don't watch for the plot, it's nearly as bad as Shakespeare"(I think I may of hurt someone's feelings with that one) and "Perhaps the leading female's emotionless performance was intentional as a subtle cynicism of Leander's infatuation".

Before you all go applauding the British education system, I should point out that I mainly learnt to write fluff with certain words in it inorder to knock up points in an examination, and that most of what I know came from the introduction my copy of Romeo and Juliet (who's to know where "Marred by romantic sensationalism" came from?)

More is to follow, but I need to pace myself.

Thank you for calling

2005-10-04T21:20:00.000+01:00

I've started saying 'buh-bye' instead of bye, see ya, ta-ra, toodle-oo, or any other strain of goodbye. I feel like I'm working in a call centre, but at the same time, I also feel gloriously immature. I've ordered Goo Deluxe Edition off Amazon and I can't wait because it'll be here tomorrow (probably). I mean, it has a song called 'Blowjob' on it, it's bound to rock! I'm going to see the Kaiser Chiefs in a couple of weeks and then in november it's Bob Dylan time, yee-haw! I'm also flat broke but that doesn't matter because I feel so gosh darn happy! I might have a stalker but I think it's more likely to be an admirer and even more likely to be a friend who's only ever seen me twice and that was months ago and he wants to see me again cos he misses me, ain't that just the sweetest thing you ever heard? I'll see what him and Tufty (my best friend at college who left after a week and a half so now I've had to get a new best friend at college and he's a pagan and he gave me a really old sweatband) are doing in a couple of weeks, maybe in half term, yeah that works, so we can go to Nottingham and go to Selectadisc and stuff and junk and yeah. Who's better, Led Zeppelin or the Rolling Stones? Cos I like Zeppelin better, they're the best british band ever in my humble pie of an opinion, uh-huh.

Melancholy

2005-09-30T17:39:00.000+01:00

These two children (each formed from a single line) don't like to think. That's why they're watching Memoire le chien d'ordinaire leap through a flaming nuclear envelope.
They'll be expected to recall this in a year or two, perfectly, but all without thinking 'Why?'

I miss my physics, I know a lot of it, but at least I can think.
Sitting next to cheerfull people doesn't help, so I feed her to the many eyed serpent in the corner as an afterthought. Why is it many eyed? I don't know, it's not in the syllabus.

Farewell my bacterial cell. I don't want to memorise your wonderfull organelles, I want my equations and their applications.

Can I have a hug Android?

2005-09-30T16:17:00.000+01:00

Last sunday it dawned on me that I couldn't remember the last hug I had. I spent most of the day in the foetal position, listening to Radio 1 and Neil Young. I suppose I should have expected such a period of down time, considering that I'd spent the previous night dancing to Maximo Park and whatever MTV put on. But that didn't matter. I was depressed. Then, presumably on monday, I got a hug. You may think this would have made me happier, but it didn't, all things considered. My new best friend or something like that was leaving the college we go to. The tenses are a nightmare in this situation, but I presume you get the gist. To console me, he gave me a hug. Also, I want you to start looking at freak scene again. I've gotten back into the habit of updating it (sort of), but I won't bother if nobody looks at it.

I think I might be evil. I don't think I'm evil, I think I'm right in thinking what I think, but it's not the most kosher of opinions. Me and Melissa are now friends (hard as it is to believe), and her sister is disabled. She has cerebral palsy. She can't walk, she can hardly control her arms and though she can speak, it's not exactly Queen's English.. This is where the evil bit comes in. I really can't find anything to like about her. She's moody, selfish and she's forever asking her parents to take her to the toilet. Which gets really annoying. Really quickly. When she feels she has to express her opinions, she tends to do so by shouting. Which is somewhat less than therapeutic. The dog's one of the worst things. She has the disabled equivalent to a guide dog. She hasn't trained it to do anything more than what it had already been taught to do. Which isn't to say that she doesn't love it. She quite fervently reinforces the fact that her canine helper (not that helps anyone to do anything, ever) is the best friend that she's ever had. You know how when little kids get a dog, they think it's the greatest thing ever, and they get t-shirts with slogans ammounting to the fact that dogs rock and can play bass guitars or some crap like that? Well, she's like one of them. Her screen name on msn is 'dogs rule cats drool'. For a start, that's very immature (especially for a 17 year old). On top of that, dogs drool, cats don't. Simple as that. Any criticism of her is unwaranted because she's just a poor little disabled girl. The first time her family went to florida, they went to Busch Gardens. She was complaining when we were there this year because her dad wouldn't take her on the inverted roller coaster there. It turns out that her dad took her on that big wooden roller coaster that shakes your joints apart just prior to the inverted one, and that she was so mortified by it that she daren't go on any other rides. Upon this revelation I said to her, 'stop complaining then', and I was met with a stoney silence and harsh looks from my family, as if telling a disabled person, in a comparatively nice way, to stop whining was taboo. To which I thought 'bullshit'. She also likes mcfly. Whenever I criticise them, she screams about how at least they make nice music and if they're so crap then why don't they kill themselves like Kurt Cobain who killed himself so Nirvana must have been crap because if you were in a good band you wouldn't kill yourself, hey hey HEY!? The first time she put forward a point like this, I simply told her that if you're depressed, no amount of money or fame would stop you being so, and that if she was so naive to think that cash could cure sadness, then she could, in no uncertain terms, go screw mcfly on their diamond plated yacht on the moon. Which took her by surprise. The thing that annoys me most about her, though, is her education. She isn't that smart. She's probably about average in the intelligence stakes. She's doing a-level english and media or something like that, which is handy, because it means that if she gets Cs (highly unlikely, seeing as how she's in D territory after only the first year) and there's some big celebration because it shows how big a genius she really is, I'll be able to compare my results with hers a year later. I don't think she'll seem that amazing after I finish the courses. But there's more. After the first year, a-level students go straight back to college to start work on the as-level section. That's a pretty basic rule of the education system. Not for our wheelchair bound friend, however. On the first day of the as course, when everyone else was back working, she was in Nottingham, shopping. And it's not like her parents got her out of school, either. It was one of her school's special needs helpers, taking her out for a day of merriment and clothes. I thought, 'if she wants to get her grades up, shopping isn't the best way to do so', but I didn't say it because her education is a bit of a sore spot for the family. On top of all this, she's probably going to get into university. If she can even survive living on her own for more than a few days, she'll probably fail all of her courses. Which is OK, because she wants to be a journalist. Did someone say, 'no grasp of critical writing'? Yes. I think they did. Like I said, I don't think thinking all this stuff makes me bad, but I still can't escape the feeling that someone's going to call me the new Hitler. Oh well, at least I've got it all off my chest.

_

2005-09-22T19:08:00.000+01:00

Today is the autumnal equinox, not that I'd noticed the sun neatly rising directly east, and officially the start of the the most colourful autumn in living memory.

So, 'tis the season of new beginnings and whatnots (almost) and so I begin by linking to a site of one of my peers, purely to keep me in context, you understand.

It's just Ping Pong for landowners

2005-09-07T09:33:00.000+01:00

Tennis has really got me down. I think it's the US Open at the moment. What a load of crap. My mum and sister watch it, and I'm constantly criticizing the game in front of them, as yet to no avail. 'It's just two people with no real jobs hitting a ball back and forth' 'All that money she gets paid and she can't even hit the ball' 'Come on, this is just crap'. My latest tennisular hang-up is what happens when they win a point (if it's just 'a point', then why does it go 15, 30, 40... Obviously, it's because medieval people worshipped the number 60 but couldn't be arsed with saying other numbers fully. Durh). When they win a point, they both stop running around, and instead look at the floor and wander vaguely to where on the court they've got to go, checking strings and the like, but not looking happy. That's what gets me. I'm guessing completely at what tennis players earn, but if I could get paid as much as they probably do, for playing a crap game of tennis, I think they'd have to pay me to stop me smiling.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was great. I have to admit, I was never that thrilled by the original (the bit with the boat and the creepy psychedelics never failed to scare me), and I was quite glad when I heard that Tim Burton was re-making it. Largely because I knew he probably wouldn't put in some stupid scene on a boat set against a wall of all the bad acid trips The Beatles ever had. And he didn't. Hoorah! Johnny Depp was great - too weird for some, but I thought he captured the slighty insane edge that Willie Wonka is supposed to have. However, I don't like child actors. Never have. I also dislike most adult actors for the same reason - I think they're all hired because of how they look. Sometimes, they have to buck the trend (or do they? What do you think, Gimli?) but it's mostly because of looks. Take Keanu Reeves. I think Audioslave summed up his acting style. Anyway, I think casting guys go for cuteness with kids. I must admit, I think the 'bad' ones were quite good. But Charlie was a bit... Neutral. The adult actors were great, though. And I'll say it again, especially Johnny Depp. So yeah, great film. Corpse Bride next.

I have never been less ready to do this

2005-09-05T10:01:00.000+01:00

I am angry and sad. My muse has left. I've tried writing something new for Freak Scene, but I can only write lumpy drivel. I don't particularly want to blog. Everyone's either depressing me or not stopping me being depressed. My Playstation 2 broke. The laser just stopped working. So I've had to buy a new one. And now I'm in debt. Not much debt, but it's still stopping me from buying anything for the next few weeks. And there is rather a lot I want to buy. Well, not really a lot, but with debt and all... It's a month and a half before I can buy this. And then there's Off The Wall... That said, I've still got a week before I start college, and I'm going to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory tomorrow, so that should be good. And that's about it.

Resurgam

2005-08-30T19:43:00.000+01:00

But not yet. For I'm currently spending some time in a vegetative yet contemplative state, enjoying the scenery, where ever that may be.

Though come September seventh I hope to attain a newly arisen energy and will drag my talent reluctantly to new found depths of ingenuity and unfathomability as I embark on a new life, which I hope I will manage to drag out for several years.

But until then, the parts of the blog I normally birth, will remain fallow.

I leave you infinite cats, in a more poignant ending than Mark Cross'.

_

2005-08-23T19:55:00.000+01:00

The state of the modern family is terrible. My father's idea of "bonding" is now to try and find his son's blog using google against his son's very much expressed wish for him to bog off and mind his own ego.

Luckily due to a lack of commitment when it comes to previous blogs, all he found was this, so enjoy, the first link being something of mine.

The last link is worrying, so I'd better go censor that post before someone tries a stunt like that again.

Are you still looking to adopt, Ava (and I quote: "Can I adopt you?" and "I'd love to have a kid like Glod, who at age X is incredibly witty, creative and likes to blog")?

I've heard that only Mexicans eat blue food.

Make Me Your Leader

2005-08-18T21:46:00.000+01:00

Look at all the good things I'm doing for you people, improving your experience and what not, you know I deserve it:

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Blogger Support <support@blogger.com>
Date: 18-Aug-2005 21:37
Subject: Re: Spellchecker lunacy
To: {U 3007844 B 0} <BLANK BLANK BLANK !!!! @gmail.com >

Hi,

Thank you for bringing this to our attention. I will make sure that our
product development team receives your feedback. We are always trying to
improve the Blogger experience.

Sincerely,

Stephanie
Blogger Support

Original Message Follows:
------------------------
From: "{U 3007844 B 0}"
Subject: Spellchecker lunacy
Date: Sun, 14 Aug 2005 21:09:32 -0000

Why does the spell checker not recognise "Google", "blog" and most
profanity?

ItemType: Problem
Severity: Low
BlogId: 0
BlogName: No blog in particular
UserID: 3007844
UserQueue: 20

GPS Redundant, Shock Revelation

2005-08-16T19:24:00.000+01:00

Clearly you can see by now that I successfully found, dun dun dun, the GeoCache (see previous post, why don't you)!

Whilst others manage by over reliance on the US military and it's satellites, I based my whole plan on the fact that if you looked from space (courtesy of Google Earth) co-ordinates 53.121883, -1.2028 appear to be led to buy an elongated clearing leading from a particular road (go on, check it now, I'll wait for you).

The plan was, for a while, cast into serious doubt when the particular road turned out to stop, minus wood. But it just turned out to be the local council playing silly-buggers with their steam rollers and tarmac.

It felt good to find the wood, and then the clearing, and then the burnt out car, and then the ammunition box.

Tomorrow I plan to find another (this time in a tupperware container, how exciting!) and, through the power of bookcrossing.com, rid my self of my least favorite purchase.

Glod is back.

2005-08-14T21:55:00.000+01:00

And loves you all very much. Last week was spent on yet another holiday, and I'm in the process of writing up both into a new blog (thank you Ned) with nice pictures, all as part of my master plan for breaking into the world of authorship (my plan for showbiz involves selling the small child and vacuum cleaner saga to a certain "science" show, and promising to reproduce it, despite the fact that I hate to lower myself in such ways).

But for now.

Guess whom's planned to find their first geocache tomorrow?

Me, of course, silly.

My nearest geocache is a mere 4 mile walk away, and I am giddy from anticipation.

Unfortunately I do not own a GPS device.

Arse.

Not to worry though, we have the cumulative power of Google Earth, maps, and a certain biro that happened to be lying around:

Wish me luck.

Svalbard the first.

2005-07-30T09:05:00.000+01:00

Svalbard's nice, Longyearbyen's got a nice rugged look of a coal mining community, which it should, what with it being a coal mining community with the only coal fired power station in Norway.

It's also full of students walking around with rifles strapped to their backs just in case they see a polar bear whilst hanging around outside the supermarket.

Had a barbecue, Arctic style, which basicly involves reindeer, seal and whale. Seal is crumbly by the way.

Met a big dog named Gorilla who likes to bury cookies.

Bugger to my memory.

Bye.

I Have Little to Say

2005-07-29T10:27:00.000+01:00

It is hard to remember stuff when waiting for a flight. Went on a cable car, ate some reindeer. Svalbard (the destination) is not due a suset for another month.

Well be good.

Guess Whom's in The Arctic.

2005-07-27T10:44:00.000+01:00

The Arctic circle is a horribly touristic place, full of cars and noise and camper vans and cheesy little certificates to prove to friends in your little life that you've been to the arctic. They had a small museum, mainly formed from stuffed animals, and a video of scenery. The video bored us, who were the only three there, so we tap danced and played our air guitars on stage.

The Arctic got a bit nicer, we went to the world's only permanent ice gallery, kept at -8 centigrade, and you get to have a drink in a glass made from ice, but it was alcoholic so we had to have some orange soda crap.

"Can I eat my glass?"

"Sure"

Bad idea it was, since it shattered, whilst full of fizzy gunk.

At the back of the gallery is a room where they freeze whale and fish, in there it's -30, and ice started to form up my nostrils when they showed us the huge stack of dorsal fins.

After words I had some smoked whale between some bread-like crackers.

A wrong turn was made, and somehow blamed on me, so we got to the hotel at 1.30 am for the second time this holiday, but this time it was still light, with full cloud cover and huge bluish snow capped mountains every so often.

Last drive today, then it's on to Svalbard.

Yippeee.

2005-07-25T11:03:00.000+01:00

Trøndheim was a bit quiet, but worryingly, despite only being in central Norway, it has Norway's northernmost laundrette. It does have a revolving restaurant though. When we eventually found it (we were warned at the hotel that despite being many feet up a broadcasting tower it was hard to find. The journey was made even worse by the invisible speed bumps.) the floor wasn't moving, apparently because since you have to order at the stationary bar they have to turn it off when it gets busy to avoid accident as the inebriated stumble after the bar.

It's even quieter north of Trøndheim, apart from these really old carvings nothing is mentioned in the guide book for huge tracts.

We're in the first town without a Radison SAS (Farewell same old friendly Norwegian service), so we stayed in an apartment at a campsite, and what with linen costs it almost cost as much as the Radison, and there was no breakfast.

My dad thinks the bloke two doors down is a lunatic. He has lots of beard, and always looks mildly angry and has loads of junk near his car and door. But what really convinced my dad was the fact that he is using his car a mobile hutch for four large rabbity-possibly-hares-things.

We did wish we'd stayed in the slightly posher place, which the guide book said "had grown organically", and was formed form lots of building from various times. We ate their posh buffet and I almost chocked to death on some apple juice in a room full of people pretending to be posh. I can now add reindeer to my "wildlife eaten" list.

Saw some signs in a wood for wildlife you can see, it was all quite nice until I saw the sign for Jerv , which showed one eating a moose. I was scared, but I saw a lemming on the border of north Norway, it was small, brown, and ran quickly, but I didn't have time to pursue.

Today we cross the Arctic circle.

Love and kisses,

Glod

Weeeeeeeeeeee.

2005-07-23T16:33:00.000+01:00

Saw the sign, it's all covered in rusty gashes (there must be some racial hatred towards trolls), and not really worth a two hour drive, however, this road is. It's really quite impressive, and comes complete with all the touristy crap you should expect.
I found ice at the top, huge thick sheets of re-frozen snow resting on hill, I slid down some, burnt my hands from the fiction and gained a limp (I have video!).
My fathers plane spotting meant we almost missed the ferry going at 70 minute intervals, but he kindly drove the 22km in 15 minutes, doing twice the speed limit in some places and scaring at least one driver into pulling over. It felt good though when we got there and the ramp had to be put down again just before the ferry left.
Today we read the ticket, with the tom 8:29 printed on it. Those cheating ferry peoples were going to leave open minute early, with out us, honestly, some people.
Our hotel is odd, it's like three building in a green house, with walkways and all we can only open one window (an inch) and it opens onto the lobby, but four floors up.

Good Bye.

Naughty Glod

2005-07-22T12:56:00.000+01:00

I'm in an aquarium, at Alesund (you ought to go, they have huge halibut named Big Mama) in the deep sea section. They have kindly included a computer for visiting certain informative websites, but you can't type your own addresses. However, I found a link to google (thank you university of Aberdeen).
So, I saw a glaciar, high in betwwen two mountains, a behemoth all brilliant and white, with clouds full of melodram. We blew a tyre, which I found highly amusing, and as a result got to catch the last ferry of the day(well ok, it was night really) fjords look better at night, honest.
Tpday we get to see the only "Troll Crossing" sign in Norway.
Yippee!

More More Stuff

2005-07-20T18:11:00.000+01:00

If wanted I can do more detailed posts (with pictures!) when I get home, but for now:

The first leg of the journey (to Stavanger) took about 10 and a half hours, though we did take a detour which the guidebook recommended as particularly fine for scenery, though I think for us the highlight was a toilet in a field with flowers growing it, and a tiny church (complete with graveyard) which on closer inspection turned out to be an elaborate shed (complete with watering can).
Stavanger was ok, and on the day we left we took a hike to Prekestolen (approximate spelling), other wise known as Pulpit Rock. It was raining, all my stuff got soaked, it took 2 hour to get there and the fog meant I couldn't see all of the 800 metres to the bottom. And none of the sunbathers you get in postcards were there.
In Bergen there is only one red man per crossing.
I'm getting sick of being fed on hotdogs from ferries and road side shacks, so today I had a moose burger (didn't feel like whale) and held out for a visit to Peppes' Pizza (pizza is local anywhere) and I'm promised real food later today.
Wish me luck
Love Glod.

ur gay

2005-07-18T14:15:00.000+01:00

Rudicus' post about Ronnie Paris Jr has disturbed me. Well, its kind of disturbed me. It's made me incredibly sad, that's a suitable set of words. So you can probably understand why I'm angry about the list I found on amazon (I would like to point out that I have bought a great many things off amazon and that it kicks ass (it apparantly has a feature that lets you tell them about stuff they don't have, but should, although I haven't looked for it. This is made amazing because Douglas Adams told them to put that in)). Unfortunately, I can't think of a way to stop people being such bastards when it comes to sexuality. Damn.

More News

2005-07-17T20:40:00.000+01:00

Today at breakfast I had enough mini suasages and fried potatoes to make me feel sick, but I got hungry later and had a calzone from a paper shop. Today there was no sound of smashing crockery over breakfast, there was yesterday, but presumably they decided the waiter with the broken arm was better of at home.

"I... enjoy toast."
"You enjoy toast," siad Hanne, who, being Norwegian, is very matter of fact about things.
Yes Man, Danny Wallace

I have come to the conclusion that the Norwegian language does not use the apostrophe, so I can not find it on the keyboard. Proabaly because, being all matter of fact about things, they can't be bothered to do all that pissing about. Oh look, I've just found the apostrophe, so now I can't type posh and just sound 'orrible.

Well bye.

Lots of Stuffs.

2005-07-16T19:54:00.000+01:00

In Oslo traffic crossings have two red men! Probably just in case you do not believe the first one, or believe you can take him. It rains a lot. I am starting to learn the language from subtitles, did you know an "r" means a plural, and that "Racing Stripes" is "Fart Striper", note the "R"s.
There is not (Where are you, apostrophe key?) much I can remember to write at this moment, so lots of hugs and kisses, Glod.
(PS I will keep notes so I know what to type next time)

G'day yir eyeniss

2005-07-16T10:11:00.000+01:00

Glod sent this postcard to me, I don't know when, presumably last night some time cos it got here this morning. I've blurred mine and Glod's real names and my address because I don't want any creepy people knowing where I live or referring to me by anything other than my pseudonym. I presume the same applies for Glod. I'm going to call him in a bit to see if he still has his phone or if it (or he) has been confiscated yet. Oh yes, postcard:

and...

Map Map Map

2005-07-15T02:01:00.000+01:00

Approximate map of my journey (stolen from Lonely Planet). Some of the best books have maps, presumably so the author doesn't have to go through the all the trouble of actually having enough mastery of a language to eloquently explain the characters' relative positions through out the journey. So consult it. Consult it well.

What Sort Of Security Scare Will Glod's Phone Cause at the Airport?

2005-07-13T22:27:00.000+01:00

The other day my father told me that "security will love your phone", and he should know all about airports and security. Last time my phone was seen it was here, and here, but since then the rocks have fallen off:

It has no case, a backing made from cardboard, says 'Arf!' on the screen, the keypad falls off in two pieces, and looks slightly more suspicious when photographed in the visible light spectrum (sorry about that).

So on to the gambling: claim the number of the event you believe is most likely to happen:
0 Glod doesn't, for some reason, go through security.
1 Glod's phone for some reason doesn't go through security.
2 Nothing suspicious happens what so ever.
3 Glod's phone is regarded suspiciously.
4 Glod is asked about his phone
5 Glod is taken aside, and asked about his phone.
6 Glod's phone is refused permission to fly.
7 Glod's phone is confiscated
8 Glod is refused permission to fly
9 Glod is arrested
10 Glod's family are refused the right to fly]
11 Glod's family is arrested.

Claimer of the most accurate number(s) win something.

Last chance to request a postcard.

Here's What Glod Might Look Like

2005-07-12T17:32:00.000+01:00

In Svalbard, in the style of The Sun (I'll never forget the picture they had of what John Prescott might look like in a bath):

An Appreciation

2005-07-11T15:50:00.000+01:00

An appreciation of those 3 little pairs of hooks running down from the top of this boot. They allow the wearer to quickly undo the top section of lacing, and then do it up again, meaning it's sheer bliss to take these boots off, with none of that feeling like you might pull your own foot off.
I imagine that this would also be quite useful if I was to fall of this and break an ankle, though I'm wearing them right now to try and prevent that from happening, but it's too hot to practice wearing my super duper triple layer laminate water-wind-and-lots-of-other-stuff-(but-not-bear)-proof coat complete with zips which open... wait for it... ventilation slits. I also have a hat, with flappy ear bits, and some magic gloves, which save heat for when I need it.
Sadly now I'm angry. Angry that my boots are brown when they could so easily of been black/grey with speckled laces. Why, why, why?

Here's that hat, it isn't white, it's a dark grey-blue, but the only camera I have is that IR one

Zippy and George's Puppet Legends

2005-07-08T09:58:00.000+01:00

I waited for days for Zippy and George's Puppet Legends. Then I waited for an hour and a half, wasting time by listening to Neil Young and drawing a caricature of Uma Thurman. Then, when the time had finally arrived, it had been cancelled in favour of an emergency news broadcast on the bombings in London. Surely they could have found something more worthy of cancellation, something that wasn't on at 10:50. Surely more people would have seen the emergency news broadcast if it was shown at 9:00. I mean, I knew what happened and I'm an apathetic teenager, so surely anyone who really would have cared would have known by 10:50. On top of all this, my waiting caused me to forget about the amazing comedy on FX or whatever it's called, thus rendering me Family Guy defficient until next week. However, I have found something that not so much remedies the situation as perplexes. I searched for Zippy and George's Puppet Legends on Google. The first (and most coherrant) link was for bent.com, and the most amazing thing is, in the short space of time I spent scanning the homepage, I could not find any information about Zippy and George's Puppet Legends. I hope they reschedule it.

Pictures

2005-07-06T21:46:00.000+01:00

I have a new blog

2005-07-05T10:38:00.000+01:00

Please link to it, oh Gloddy Glod Glod Glod Glod Glod. Glod. It should be easy enough to find, Wicky discovered it mere somethings after I'd created it. Hang on, does that mean that she's constantly looking at my profile, analyzing everything she can find about me, and eventually build a robot version of myself so she can lock herself in her room with a mountain of cocaine (or Haribo) and eventually convince herself in her drugged (or sugared) up stupor that she now shares her life with the real Paranoid Android, and not just some cheap replica made from discarded toilet paper tubes and bubblegum? I'm pretty sure that this isn't the case, but I'd still like to be reassured that it's just a fictional world set up to meet the demands of the evidence I have gathered thus far. And don't make it a stupid link, Glod.

For Ava

2005-07-04T18:37:00.000+01:00

Glod is the one in the yellow shirt, who managed to grab the trophy. Damn our team looks motley.

Things Which Didn't Happen This Week

2005-07-03T22:38:00.000+01:00

Dark secrets from Glod's past (and that of his family)

Today I discovered that my father, my father, a balding bloke who takes 20 minutes to make sure everyone is happy when ordering in a restaurant, has been interrogated by the FBI.
It's what you get for being a plane spotter and traveling around America for a few weeks, and never leaving the airports.
In all he was stopped about four times by various security peoples, but the worst time involved him being stopped, frisked, arrested, held, interrogated (by the police, FBI, and FAA), and, worst of all, had his little plane spotting book discovered, complete with his itinerary (all flights, every day almost), and a list of all the planes he seen, complete with serial numbers. The best bit, apparently, was when they asked what the asterisks meant:
"Oh, they're the ones I've flown" he blurted out, forgetting to add the "on".

Look into my post

2005-07-03T20:41:00.000+01:00

Kings of Leon gig was good. No photos, but still very, very good. Especially The Bucket and Four Kicks. They really got the crowdsurfers going. Next stop, I don't know. There aren't any bands I want/need to see that are actually touring or anything. Which sucks. I hope this burns Maiden's eyes again. Well, the right one at least. That'll teach the bastard. Christ, this is a short post. I can't think of anything else to say. Oh well. Make the most of it, I'm to be indisposed or whatever for most of August. So there. Tralalalala. Why aren't we allowed to be open about things? It was illegal until 1991 for coucils and schools to promote homosexuality in the UK. Thinking about it, such stigma could have caused irreparable damage to up to a quarter of all UK residents up to that point. And that's kind of bad. And why aren't we allowed to talk about religions freely? A statue of a wild boar was removed from some public place in some small city place in the UK because of the insult it provoked among the Jewish community. Despite it being hundreds of years old and not having provoked any complaints by anyone. At all. But now we can be fined for what is basically free speech, which goes against everything we supposedly hold dear. Why are things protected by an impenetrable barrier when they're considered 'holy' or 'sacred'? And why doesn't anyone do anything about it? Same with the queen, really.

'Oi, Caleb, stop mumbling!'

2005-07-01T09:28:00.000+01:00

If you go here, then look at 'shows' (third square, top row) you'll see the tour dates for the Kings of Leon. Look for 'JUN 1 - Nottingham, UK - Ice Arena'. It isn't there. This strikes me as bizarre because that is the information regarding the gig I'm going to see tonight. Or maybe I won't see it tonight. Or at all. Damn.
On a lighter note, I've reconciled with Stoner Witch by The Melvins. It's just a brilliant album, so go buy it.
Oh yeah, I went to the college where I'll be be educated for the next two years (aka Bilborough). And I made a new friend. Ain't ya proud? The most remarkable thing about him is that he went to same Dropkick Murphys gig Leprecunt went to ages ago. Even more remarkable, the former kicked the latter, who can't get avoid my insistence that he remembers. Unfortunately, he may not even be coming to Bilborough which sucks, but he probably will. Also, I made a friend via the medium of Iggy Pop, which bringa me to the eternal qusetion - which Stooges album is the best? Someone, please tell me!

Hellooooo, where am I?

2005-06-30T21:28:00.000+01:00

Hrm.. The only thing I can actually think about blogging about is my attempting at programming.. I never would've figured it'd be so time-consuming and require so much effort.
Making pictures and animations.. that's just the same and all this just to create some effortless game to entertain some young, mindless children.
On the plus side.. I'm learning! YAY!
I am hopeless.

"Rawr, rawr, rawr!!"

An Ode to Google.

2005-06-28T21:02:00.000+01:00

Ned is quite distinctly not the only poet we have:

Did you mean: yoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyoyo yoyo?

Of course I did dear Google,

How on Earth did you know?

Jethro Toe

2005-06-28T08:42:00.000+01:00

This is a badge. This is my bag (the blue aura appeared after I'd taken the photo... spooky). The way I see it, because I'm going to college in a matter of months, I should strive to carve an individual persona, as opposed to all these identikit teenagers you see roaming the streets (who undoubtedly compose a large number of the teenagers who haven't heard of Nirvana (TWO BASTARD THIRDS OF US!)). By covering all areas of my bag that will be visible when I'm, y'know, wearing it (this is a grammatical nightmare) in badges, I should be able to accomplish my mission with some ease. However, I think it'll take about 300 badges and £100, so I need your help! For a start, you could tell me where to get a shitload of badges from...

The Cycle of Life

2005-06-26T21:37:00.000+01:00

Children find porn in the woods. They do, it's all part of growing up. Well today, in the woods, I found three dirty old(ish) men with big cameras (probably penis extensions, for insecurities) hanging around near a waterfall formed from a broken aqueduct with some women wrapped in beach towels. Oh how nonchalant they tried to be.

My mother is also ignorant of the Cling-On empire...

2005-06-26T21:24:00.000+01:00

Alas, I am a Cling-On, just like 2/3 of Nirvana and a few other members of the Aberdeen youth of the very early eighties. Well, not yet. Allow me to explain; a Cling-On is a devout follower of The Melvins. I am not a devout follower, although I will be when they start touring again. The Melvins are a pre-grunge band, whose early material sounds like, well, nothing before, although if you're looking for a comparison, think all the big Seattle grunge bands (not Pearl jam) molesting a street-poet. Only better than that sounds. Don't get me wrong, they ain't no Nirvana, but they're something else entirely, hard to describe because of... Think Floyd The Barber and Paper Cuts off of Bleach, and you pretty much have Kurt Cobain's love of The Melvins summed up in about six minutes (Dale Crover of Melvins fame drummed on those tracks). Hey, if you like them, get Ozma. If not, don't. There was something else I needed to say... I'm going to see Kings of Leon on friday, so that should be good. In the meantime I'd better listen to some KoL stuff in detail, so that I can at least mumble along (you can't really say 'sing' can you?). I'll be taking photos I hope, so if anyone shows any interst, I'll post 'em.

Me and moi movies...

2005-06-22T08:43:00.000+01:00

Here's to you, sweet and divine, Wicky of mine. It works a lot better when it's 'razor of mine'. It isn't even slightly contradictory when it's a person instead of a razor. Bet I could find a person's name that sounds good in that little couplet... Anyways:

1. The total number of DVDs, videos and films I own.

20/30-ish, I don't know. I don't keep count for a start.

2.The last film I bought.

Probably Shaun of the Dead. Which I highly recommend.

3.The last film I watched

Sin City. God damn.

4. My favourite five films of all time, ever

Pulp Fiction, Nightmare Before Christmas, Donnie Darko, that Wallace and Grommit one where they go to the moon and probably some Pixar stuff (although I do really want to see 1991: The Year Punk Broke and End of The Century)

5. Tag three people and have them blog this.
I don't wanna. The first three people who comment and who haven't done this yet can have a go.

More Quotes!

2005-06-21T19:47:00.000+01:00

I'm starting to get lazy, so just have some quotes.

The test pilots of the A380 (you know, world's biggest airliner?), during crucial pre-flight checks and familiarisation:
"So that's the cupholder, where's the ashtray?"
"No, no, there's no ashtray these days."
"What about my chewing gum?"
"If there's no ashtray you'll have to stick it under the seat."
"Ok, are we ready to go?"
"Ok, lets go."

It's really quite worrying, later on they have a discussion about the bird crap in the engine and one has to punch another's helmet to get it on. But I suppose professionals should be allowed their eccentricities.

I have more quotes to come, stay tuned!

I've been inspired, after taking a wrong turn whilst walking down a duel carriage way from a retail outlet and discovering the beauty of a rubbish tip with the big tractor with the big spiky wheels, to write a book on how to be a tourist anywhere.

I'm happy.

I'm a walking flapjack

2005-06-19T12:03:00.000+01:00

I remember telling Glod about Keith the singing zombie. I still think it's a masterpiece of comic engineering. Enjoy.

Yesterday's Cartoon Qoute of the Day

2005-06-18T07:14:00.000+01:00

"This kid has broken every rule we hold so dear"
"Even the cannibalism taboo?"

There's a lot of more mature and less slapsticky humour in cartoons,
I've noticed, which is probably wasted, so your homework is to go
watch some cartoons and make sure the genius isn't wasted on some
sprog, ok?

Damn you, Brain!

2005-06-15T10:23:00.000+01:00

And damn you Homer Simson-esque title. Mine is the kind of mind that exaggerates things. And I hate it for that. As such, I thought my sister had been kidnapped when she was, in fact, downstairs watching Big Brother. 6. I don't want to have a worldwide group of people thinking my sister tapes every episode of Big Brother and then watches them in the down-time between current episodes. Because she probably doesn't. She doesn't have enough tapes for a start... Anyways, this tendency to take a situation and run with it for stupid distances has ruined my life for the past week. And it's all Ava's fault. She said it was a shame you couldn't see my eyes, and I thought 'oh well'. Over the next few days I convinced myself that the reason there was no blog activity in ages was because Ava was so depressed at the lack of my eyes that she stopped caring about anything and everything (on this blog), and her lack of activity made everyone else depressed so they didn't look at the blog either. And that's in a week. Imagine if I'd have left it longer. I'd have called the cops to report a missing person. 'Yeah, she looks like a creepy doll from behind, she's always sat down and she's shot in an arty monochrome style. No, this isn't a wind up.' So, here, for the enjoyment of Ava*, is... MY EYES!
Well, one of them at least. Sorry if it's crap quality, my monitors gone wappy so I can't really tell.
What exactly is Celebrity Love Island all about? All I can tell from various newspapers is that it's a few minor celbrities on a tropical island, and they're all put there so they can fuck and one of them wins a load of money at the end. Am I right?
I missed Radio 1's countdown of the 30 greatest punk songs ever last night. Bastard. Please, somebody, help! On a lighter note, they had a lot of Green Day on that list, so it would probably have gone tits up for the classics anyway. And The Ramones were voted fourth greatest punk band of the seventies. The Clash won, Buzzcocks second and Sex Pistols third. I think that list's, well, crap. I think The Ramones are the best punk band in that list, but Iggy and The Stooges are surely the greatest punk band of the seventies, although they did relaese their debut in '69, although the zenith of their back catalogue rests firmly in '70s. Oh yeah, NME Uncut seem to think that Iggy only released three albums, can someone please explain why. So yeah, Stooges, then Ramones, then Clash (or is it Pistols?), then whatever.
*If Ava doesn't at least appreciate the photo (because it's all her fault that I've put another one on the blog), then I'll be driven to kill myself. Well, not kill myself. Maybe I'll just mope around for a few days and then stop moping.

I hate myself and I want to die

2005-06-09T09:34:00.000+01:00

I really want that particular book. Although I doubt it will have the song of the same name. It's a real problem when you try making a post when all you have to talk about is a book you found on amazon a few minutes ago.
JEESUSFUCKENCHRISTALMIGHTY! Look at this. That is just fucking twisted. On a lighter note, this is me:

Christ, just when you think you've seen everything, you find out Courtney Love's fifteen year old bottle of painkillers is being sold on eBay. What is the world coming to when even your drugs are public property?

Glod, in Infra Red!

2005-06-08T21:05:00.000+01:00

Bet you weren't expecting that one! Anyway, being in the middle of the exam period I've suddenly got a lot of extra time on my hands, most of which I've spent standing in a field.
But I did have a look at hackaday.com and discovered how to create an infra red webcam.
So round to D. Maiden's I went. He was rather kind letting me take his webcam to bits using his cutlery. Sadly it didn't work with the eyetoy (may it rest in peace)but hey, I learnt that all my t-shirts appear white in IR:

That outside is scary:

And that toasters have got a real nice glow (clearly upstaging remote controls):

A New Low Every Week

2005-06-02T10:54:00.000+01:00

I don't think I really need to say anything.

Read all about it...

2005-06-01T10:39:00.000+01:00

The Mirror is an excellent paper if you want a laugh. Take, for instance, this article. It's worth it, if only for the title. Sadly, I can't find the full article for the front page 'Sloshed and Becks' story, but the full thing exposed how 'she must have had 3 or 4 glasses of champagne'. Crikey. I also found out how easy it is to write 'cowbot' while searching for this article. Seriously, are they taking the piss? I'm also spearheading a campaign against the Mirror's wayward use of the term 'grunge'. They used it to describe Charlotte Chruch. I'm angry.

I've Been Busy

2005-05-30T21:55:00.000+01:00

Mostly, anyway, at least slightly busy. At the moment I'm mildly ill and back in the middle of sodding panther country, that's right folks. I could be easily picked off and eaten. At least I'd get in the local paper though, which recently had "RETURN OF THE BEAST" on the front page.

Hm, three things 'bout I.

2005-05-29T00:55:00.000+01:00

Three screen names that you have had: Inferno, Cloaked Figure, Desperate Maiden
Three things you like about your self: My childish personality, my lack of sense, my random noises.
Three things you don't like about your self: Uh.. I like me for who I am.
Three parts of your heritage: Stupidity, strong immune system, height.
Three things that scare you: Early death, programming flaws, evil more evil than mine.
Three of your everyday essentials: Me, Food, Drink.
Three things you are wearing right now: Wouldn't you like to know..
Three of your favorite songs: I don't listen to any songs..
Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months: Live to see my 17th birthday, fix my flawwed programming, get through my exams as quickly as possible.
Three things I want in a relationship: A relationship, a partner, some love.
Two truths and a lie: I am D.Maiden, I am male, I am female.
Three things you can't do without: Myself, Food, Drink.
Three places you want to go on vacation: Somewhere nice, somewhere terrible anywhere at home.
Three things you just can't do: Give birth, telekinesis, fix my programming.
Three kids names: Jimmy, Joe, Bob.
Three things you want to do before you die: Look at the next 12 months thing.
Three Celeb crushes: I hate celebrities.
Three people you want to know these things about: No one in particular.

Three things...

2005-05-26T09:26:00.000+01:00

Three screen names that you have had: This one, Precursor, Colonel Ducky
Three things you like about your self: My manic depression, my ability to monologue, the mysterious scars on my hand
Three things you don't like about your self: Memory like a sieve (I retain the lumpy bits), my teeth, my inabilty to make rapid decisions
Three parts of your heritage: Human, mamallian, british (presumably)
Three things that scare you: Spiders, people, dying alone
Three of your everyday essentials: Food, sleep, MTV2
Three things you are wearing right now: Watch, earphones, a scowel
Three of your favorie songs: All Apologies (Nirvana), In A Jar (Dinosaur Jr), Queen (The Melvins)
Three new things you want to try in the next 12 months: Drumming, putting up with Melissa (DAMN HER!), modern art
Three things I want in a relationship: A shoulder, conversation, hugs
Two truths and a lie: I'm tired, I will never be able to put up with Melissa, I'm on fire
Three things you can't do without: Grunge, MTV2, the knowledge that it will all turn out alright
Three places you want to go on vacation: Fjordland, Earth's moon, Seattle
Three things you just can't do: Meet new people, dance, come to terms with life
Three kids names: What, three names that I'd give my kids, or three random names? Well, I quite like Thurston, Rebecca and J
Three things you want to do before you die: drum, meet Dale Crover, have something bought for me via my Amazon wish list (must make Amazon wish list first)
Three Celeb crushes: Kim Gordon, PJ Harvey, Björk
Three people you want to know these things about: Maiden (DAMMIT!), Jodie, and Ava I suppose, seeing as how she's been with us from what may or not be/have been the start

Who Wants to Be a Thursday Crusader- Part 4, I Do Believe.

2005-05-18T21:23:00.000+01:00

This one required very little by way of lying.

I'm terribly sorry to say, Stella my good friend, but I really am quite perplexed as to what it is exactly that is required of me at this moment in time. In other words: at this moment in time what exactly is it that is required of me as I really am quite perplexed and terribly sorry to say this, Stella my good friend?

Yours Sincerly Geoffrey Hake

Lets Talk About My Day

2005-05-15T21:59:00.001+01:00

Computer being shit so I'm taking a break from scam baiting to talk about my day. Opticians were closed on Sunday so we followed some brown signs to the Earth Centre. You go through the gates and there's a load of big brown grassy fields, and we followed a car to someone's house (oops). We also saw an other car letting out two dogs for a shit. After finding the carpark (occupants, one car) it transpired that the place had gone bust and had a CCTV camera on a big pole swiveling round at people. I stole a poncho from some shack that would previously have held vegetables but now used to hold wood chips. A friendly bloke at a castle told us it closed last August. Not the castle, previous place. Also a cafe had closed. Last August. Bloody economy. Did find an address to build a trebuche that can hurl a grape thirty feet (30 feet! Could revolutionize greengrocering could that!). But forgot it. Somehow got to Doncaster and found a shop selling Thornton's chocolate rejects and another selling Cadbury's:

And then it was like "woah, my chocolate has two heads":

Who Wants to Be a Thursday Crusader? - Part 3

2005-05-14T08:56:00.000+01:00

Dear Stella,

My wife, Susannah, lovely women really, is in the other room watching
television. Although she's quite a nice women really she just doesn't
seem to understand me and my fellow Thursday Crusaders. Probably
beacuse she doesn't drink enough tea, and when she does it's those
ghastly mint tea bags she uses which aren't really my cup tea (no pun
intended, although it is rather good, if I may say so myself).

Anyway, in short phoning you without arousing the suspicions of my
dear Susannah, the lovable and purly accidental master of
interrogation she is, will be quite difficult. I will try and phone
you as soon as possible though, as I dare say it will speed up the
proceedings no end. Unless of course you are happy to use email.

My dear,
I thank you for you call to day (Oh dear, I didn't phone. You must be getting me confused with another victim, should I point this out to you?) I am more than happy with your interest to help me transfer my 10.5 million American dollars deposited in an bank by my late father of which iam the next of
kin. Presently iam living in the refugee camp here in Dakar senegal and we are only allowed to go out of the camp only 2 times in a week. Inshort this place is more of a prison and my hope is for you to assist me transfer this money to your position so that i can come over to start a new life with you.
I send and recieve e mails in the office of Rev david jones He is the pastor of the christ the king church in the refugee camp here in dakar . He has been so kind to me since i became close to him during one of his visitation to the clinic in the camp when i was sick. I will like you to call me at his office with this number +221BLANK so that i can tell you more about myself. When you call tell him that you want to talk with me and he will send for me at the females hostel. However,i will like you to contact the bank where the money was deposited by my late father for confirmation and possibilities of transfering to your account in your country. The contact information of the bank is as follows,

BLANKBLANKBLANK UNITED KINDOM
Email address(BLANK@go.com)
The name of the transfer officer is Mr paulson Roman
Tele Number is 0044 BLANK Fax Number 44BLANK i will like you to contact this bank immediately on how to transfer the 10.5 million dollars deposited by my late father Dr (He was COL MUSA before) MUSA of which iam the next of kin. I have maped out 15% of the total sum for your assistance and 5% for expenses . Moreover, i will need your assistance to manage the money on my hehalf since iam too young (I must be mature for my age) to handle such money.and please dont forget to send me the
yours Stella .

This is fun.

Who Wants to Be a Thursday Crusader? Part 2

2005-05-11T20:07:00.000+01:00

It's getting serious:

Thanks for your kindness,
i would like you to contact the bank on behaif of me to know their procedure on how they are going to transfer the money into your country,after the money entered your account then
you come down here and pick me or you send some money to me so that i can use it and get all needed travel documents to come over and stay with you, i live in dakar senegal west africa as a refugee ,i do find it difficult to feed twice in a day,i am with the deposit certificate of the money here and my late fathers death certificate also, after the death of my late father our goverment sieze all his properties claming that my father stole money from the goverment during his time in goverment office,even the money he has with central bank in my country was also seize,if they should find out that my late father has money with any bank they are going to call the money back,that's why i run out of or country with help of one old woman,because this money is the onl y inheritance i got from my father due to he made the deposit with my name,

could you believe that i don't have any body here to call my own people,last time i contact the bank ,i spoke with the opreation manager and he told me that the bank can not do with direct due to my refugee status,that i should find some body to stand for me and claim,he advice me to call my relation or any of my late fathers business partner,but there's no how i can call any of my fathers business partner because of my fathers commitiment during his time in goverment office, if this money should come down to africa,they are going to trace the source of the money and it may result seizing it and i can not go back to my country anymore, you can call me with this phone number 00221 Blank-blank-blank for more infomentions i need your help,
yours stella.

419eater.com reccomends either picking up an anonymous sim card cheaply, or claiming to be deaf. I daresay the second option might scare them away, and as for the first, well I don't fancy my acting skills standing up to much. I'm asking on the forums for advice anyway. Perhaps Mr BLANK the English teacher would do it, he does like acting...

Who Wants to Be a Thursday Crusader?

2005-05-10T20:44:00.000+01:00

And so it was that this ended up in my inbox:

ATTENTION PLEASE
I am writting this letter with due respect and heartful of tears since we have not known or met ourselves previously.
I am asking for your assistance after I have gone through a profile that speaks good of you. I will be so glad if you can allow and lead me to the right channel towards your assistance to my situation now. I will make my proposal well known if I am given the opportunity. I would like to use this opportunity to introduce myself to you. well,

i am STELLA MUSA 22years old lady and I know that this proposal might be a surprise to you but do consider it as an emmergency.In nutshell, My (late)father COL MUSA,was the personal advicer to the former head of state in my country liberia in west africa.

But he was killed along side with my mother during the longing civil war and all his properties was totally destroyed. However, after their death I managed to escape with a very important document (DEPOSIT CERTIFICATE of (US$10.5m)Ten million Five hundred thousand U.S Dollars deposited by my late father in A london bank which i am the next of kin.

Meanwhile,i am saddled with the problem of securing a trust worthy foriegn personality to help me transfer the money over to your country and into your possession pending my arrival to meet with you. Furthermore,you can contact the bank for confirmation and i will issue a letter of authorisation on your name,that will enable the bank to deal with you on my behalf.

I am giving you this offers as mentioned with every confidence on your acceptance to assist me or take me as your wife and manage the money.Conclusively,i wish you send me a reply immediately as soon as you recieve this proposal. for confidential purposes, your urgent reply will be highly appreciated.at (blankety_blank@yahoo.com)
Thanks Miss STELLA.

And thus it was that I became Geoffrey Hake, philanthropist, tea drinker and all round nice guy:

Dear Miss Stella Musa,

A friend passed on to me an email in which you explaineed your predicament. I'm very sorry to hear your story and I would like to help in any way I can, well, actually it's 'we' as I'm a member of a society which meets every thursday (the Thursday Crusaders) to discuss ways we can help make the world a better place ( and drink tea). After an emergancy meeting (on a monday, no less!) we are all really eager to try and help you in whatever way we can. Which I susposed just leaves two questions, How can we help?, and How are you going to put the money to good use?

Yours truelly, Geoffrey Hake.

Don't worry, would Geoffrey Hake do anything unethical? No! Look, all perfectly ethical.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to Movie Reviewing

2005-05-09T08:11:00.000+01:00

The reason Adams' biographer said the Hitchhiker movie was shit etc is probably because he's obssessed with Adams to the point at which all but the most faithful re-makes have, in his eyes, had their scripts pissed on. If you compare the film against the book while your watching it, then it'll ruin it for you. Like when they go to Vogsphere. That Adams worked on the script before he died means he probably wanted to have some detour to the Vogons' homeworld, and it's a great bit of the film for that matter. But if you start thinking, 'this wasn't in the book, what's happening, etc' you'll eventually come to hate the film. I forgot it was based on a book a little bit in (which is why I thought it was strange that Ford goes to Arthur's house on a trolley full of beer and snacks, but not strange that they pay a visit to the guy who ran against Zaphod in the election). My favourite part's when they use the Infinite Improbability Drive, and they become knitted. Marvin looks so brilliant, you really haven't lived until you've seen a little knitted Marvin waddling around. Made me laugh loud enough to attract strange looks. So go see the movie, it's better than Glod says.

If 666 is the number of the devil...

2005-05-05T16:51:00.000+01:00

...then how all-encompassing must the numbers on either side of it be? I am really upset that I didn't think of something as great as that, but you can't have everything, can you? I think I was a lot more interesting on the last blog than on this one, but hey, I can still make it work? The point of the title is this. Well, not precisely. This is somewhat closer to the point. I'm getting ahead of myself here. They're the same song, the first one is normal, the second backwards. It represents something amazing to me. A song that makes no sense lyrically when played forward, but no sense musically when played backwards. That you can't have both at once without butchering the point of the song means something to me, although I haven't figured out what that something is. Yet. On top of this, it's hilarious (not to mention satirical) when you play it backwards. And here's one for faranheit (and Maiden, and maybe a little bit of Glod): I'm quitting Twats.

Here he is, Giraffeman and his TRUSTY HAMMER!

Fwd: Here's a picture what I've done of you.

2005-05-05T14:43:00.000+01:00

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Tony Hawks Fun Club
Date: 05-May-2005 11:03
Subject: RE: Here's a picture what I've done of you.
To: Tom

Hi Tom

I am afraid Tony is currently out of the country at the moment (probably
causing havoc through half of Europe!) but I will pass your message and
particularly fine artwork onto him when he returns!

We have recently set up the Tony Hawks Fun Club and I have attached the
first newsletter.

Kind regards

Tony's personal slave
(Apologies for any typos but the manacles are very restricting

-----Original Message-----
From: Tom [mailto:glodglodson@gmail.com]
Sent: 02 May 2005 19:56
To: tony@tony-hawks.com
Subject: Here's a picture what I've done of you.

I hope you like it, it took me at least 5 minutes. I did a more
sophisticated picture (
http://pfsoup.blogspot.com/2005/05/glod-are-fan-artist.html ) but a
mexican told me this version was better.

>From a fan.

--
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Checked by AVG Anti-Virus.
Version: 7.0.308 / Virus Database: 266.11.2 - Release Date: 02/05/2005

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Checked by AVG Anti-Virus.
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Update- Woooo.

2005-05-04T21:33:00.000+01:00

I seem to have caused mild confusion. After more searching I've found that the pygmies found on flores are an important argument for those that believe the "hobbit" to be a pygmy human with a brain condition (which explains height and different brain structure). However, a lot of research suggests that the brain of the "hobbit" found is a near perfect miniature of homo erectus'. Thus, if these people are pygmies than no huge revelations, they are just shorter humans, completely the same as you and me. However if they are "hobbits" then it would be like discovering a Neanderthal community, albeit their version of pygmies. Completely different species with different physiology, brain structure, way of thinking perhaps. We wouldn't be alone.

And back to the main feature (courtesy of The Clock is Ticking)
What follows is a list of different occupations. You must select at least five of them. You may add more if you like to your list before you pass it on (after you select five of the items as it was passed to you). Of the five you selected, you are to finish each phrase with what you would do as a member of that profession. Then pass it on to three other bloggers.

Here's that list:

If I could be a scientist... If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician... If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter... If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary... If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect... If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist... If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete... If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper... If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer... If I could be a backup dancer...
If I could be a llama-rider... If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a midget stripper... If I could be a proctologist...
If I could be a TV-Chat Show host... If I could be an actor...
If I could be a judge... If I could be a Jedi...
If I could be a mob boss... If I could be a backup singer
If I could be a CEO... If I could be a movie reviewer
If I could be a candy striper... If I could taste test chocolate...

I'm choosing 3, so stick it in your pipe and smoke it.

If I could be a professor,which I will be, then I'd live in a nice warm university and be forgiven for all my eccentricities. My room would have grass growing of every surface and full of whirly robotic things going about their business (I will of course be a professor of biomimetic robotics).

If I could be a midget stripper there'd be a lot of walls with a different wallpaper below waist height, assuming that I have a midget wallpaperer as well.

If I could be a Jedi then I'd be allowed to hum doodooodooodoodooodo* in polite company.

I pass it to Rudicus and Ava, because I can.

*StarWars music, you know, doodooodooodoodooodo.

Today is a Great Day, For Eco-Tourism

2005-05-02T22:06:00.000+01:00

You'd think, perhaps, that if there was a small chance that homo erectus was surviving today in the diminutive form of homo floresiensis then it would at least warrant not being 29 pages further into a news paper than some crap about some pissed Oxford students jumping into a very shallow river. Therefore I am forced to accept the position of disbeliever.
Please prove my skepticism unnecessary oh merciful media.

Glod are Fan Artist

2005-05-01T19:45:00.000+01:00

Tony Hawks (look, an 's'!) Pro-writer (not Pro-skater) of Round Ireland with a Fridge has a section on his website for fan art. He also has a section full of misdirected emails concerning skate boarding.
That begs for some more fan art so I done two: The sophisticated (click for bigger, I think):

And the ugly:

Now which shall I send to him?

Oooh, and Stutter Rap from the music section is marginally entertaining.

Oh, the guilt

2005-05-01T19:28:00.000+01:00

I'm not sure if this is a good thing, but this is definitely going to exist and I will definitely see it when it does and that's that. While we're on the subject of grunge heroes, I am amazed that I get newsletters from Rolling Stone. I hadn't ever been on their website until I started getting e-mails off them. Oh well, now I know about this, and the conotations make me very happy indeed. And while we're on the subject of films, I watched The Incredibles today. It kicks ass. Like the part when he gets mad and breaks his car. That made me laugh so much *sighs*. It's probably on a par with... I don't know, but it's up there with the Toy Story films. Hell, it's better than A Bug's Life and Monsters Inc. so that's, erm, great. It may seem like a pretty twisted comparison, but it made me feel a bit like I did after I'd seen Donnie Darko. I guess it's because I'm a teenager. I just think the way everything turns out great for Violet and Donnie. OK, so Donnie gets killed by a time-travelling jet engine in the end, but at least he has a good run during the time he spends in the *pauses for dramatic effect* tangent universe. I never thought I'd say that again. And Violet seems pleased with how things turn out (not in Donnie Darko, we're back to The Incredibles now) so I might as well be too. One more thing, I upset a Christian girl on Wednesday. I didn't even mean too. I was telling her to fuck off, not Jesus. Now my mum thinks I'm a bully. Oh well. I have but one thing to say: I think the phrase 'God fearing Christian' sums up the religion perfectly.

Glod Are Politically Aware

2005-04-30T12:36:00.000+01:00

Who should I vote for? v2

Your expected outcome:

Green

Your actual outcome:

	Labour 18
Conservative -20
	Liberal Democrat 43
	UKIP 16
	Green 59

You should vote: Green

The Green Party, which is of course strong on environmental issues, takes a strong position on welfare issues, but was firmly against the war in Iraq. Other key concerns are cannabis, where the party takes a liberal line, and foxhunting, which unsurprisingly the Greens are firmly against. The Greens are also anti-Europe.

Take the test at Who Should You Vote For

Now all I have to do is wait until I'm old enough to vote, damn it. At least I'm old enough to heckle and intimidate voters.

Capitulistik pigs

2005-04-29T09:43:00.000+01:00

dem bludy guvermint peepul ulways nickin muni frum us pur giys. now we must stand

up tu dem an fiyt fur owr riyts n stuf. ull hu r wiv me rays yur

hand now. i no i cant se yu but i no yu did it cos i magic.

abitwicked, I need your e-mail so I can send my avatwar to you in secret n so andy can talk to you in a annoyin manner.

What I learned today

2005-04-29T09:16:00.000+01:00

Men are always slightly overweight and balding, not to mention clumsy. Women are always savvy and far cooler than men. Girls are always around 16-18 years old and are goth-lite. Boys are always 10-13, goofy and the most annoying things on the planet. All women care about is chocolate, dieting and shopping. That's what I think after having been brainwashed by television and magazines. Oh, and only women play bingo. Every night. And get drunk. With all their friends. See what I mean?

I desperately want to kill Nelly. And that other guy. I'll remember his name eventually, but I hate that Usher too. Bastard. And Akorn. Yes I know, and get stuffed if you care. I hate all these disposable dance groups who are releasing crappy singles with disturbing regularity. The gits. And git-ettes. I don't think it's Mos Def, but it might be a bit like that.

Where the Hell is my Dinosaur Jr. album!? My cousin's had it for about 2 months now, and I really want it back. Bad. I'll get a Smashing Pumpkins album when I get it back, so now I've got to keep that for ages just to spite him.

Nope, still don't know who it is.

Still have yet to set up shrine to KIm Gordon. I'll get there.

Free Answer!

2005-04-27T19:15:00.000+01:00

Did you guess correctly? If so, give yourself a shiny!
Posted by Hello

The Most Amazing First Ever PF-Soup What Happens Next Picture Contest.

2005-04-25T19:42:00.000+01:00

Answers on a postcard please, no later than 27th of May.
Posted by Hello

I steal from the rich, and give to the tourists...

2005-04-21T16:58:00.000+01:00

This will easily bring tourists from all corners of the world to Mansfield (anyone heard of Mansfield?). I never like it when people said 'all four corners of the world' because it's a fucking sphere, after all. Anyways, this is what all the fuss is about. I think it's a dreadful idea, although it may well turn out quite well, and the blog's bound to know about it. Therefore, I decree a journey to the park when it's completed, to see if it was worthy of an article in the chad. It would have to be so terribly awful not to be though...

Please Don't Eat Me

2005-04-21T01:11:00.000+01:00

Something needs to be done in time after exams. On such thing would be finding a sufficiently large chunk of forest and living in it, ought to be a bit of a laugh. Unfortunately there are some concerns (in no order other than to try and build some suspense): dying of dehydration, wouldn't be able to starve if I tried; the law; being "rescued" by kindly ramblers; and finally, this.

Muller's 'mock'

2005-04-20T12:50:00.000+01:00

Finally done Muller's mock exam. Here you go. Yes, it's hilarious. Glod wrote that, the rascal. Remember to read it out loud. Very loud. If you're wondering, yes we (WE!) stole it, but now it's back home in his folder. And he'll need it, he is, after all, never here, so he won't be able to do his exam so that mock's his lifeline. And it ain't much of one. Thank gods for the recover post bit, some cunts reset computer so I thought I was stuffed. No I wasn't. At all. aBitWicked (or thereabouts) is surprisingly... winky. I like her. I liked her before, but now I like her about as much as I did before because now I know what my #1 fan looks like. Nice. Flower's good too. And not the Soundgarden song. But that's good too. Ah, I need Superunknown. I have Ultramega OK, so that's a good start. I also need... more stuff...

Mobile Zen

2005-04-19T21:01:00.000+01:00

Continued one post down...
Posted by Hello

2005-04-19T20:56:00.000+01:00

Very zen, as well as uncomfortable, and too big to use, and it drips water down your arm, but hey. Amazing what you can do with an old sock, a lump of marble, a lawn, and three tubes of super glue. Man am I dead when the kind person who bought me that phone finds out.
Posted by Hello

I Scare Myself Sometimes

2005-04-19T00:12:00.000+01:00

Being a blogger I realise that I'm part of a new breed, the elite, the crème de la crème (Maiden, (who is indeed a separate entity) that means the double cream). However I really did not appreciate the full extent of this until yesterday, when I saw someone desperately trying to beat the computer at Playboy Tic-Tac-Toe. Being a kindly fellow I offered my services and promptly proceeded to win, on my first attempt, a picture built around a pair of breasts. It really is amazing how my life has improved since blogging.

Fwd: [pandorabots-general] rookie!

2005-04-18T12:42:00.000+01:00

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: Call Center Online <callcenteronline@yahoo.com.br>
Date: Apr 13, 2005 10:04 PM
Subject: [pandorabots-general] rookie!
To: pandorabots-general@list.pandorabots.com

Hello1
I am from Brazil and i think this is the first answer from ine rookie with
other language...how to change the questions in english to my language?

thank you and sorry about boring with so elemantar question!

Tem algum botmaster brasileiro?

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Well Done, Gordan Smart

2005-04-15T19:28:00.000+01:00

I'm sure this would have been a surprise for Peter, had it not appeared on the third page of (sadly) Britains biggest selling news (ha!) paper.
Dumbass Showbiz Reporter.
I don't really like The Sun, not since it felt the need to describe Bin Laden as "bearded".
Yay misanthropy!

Well look who it fucking well is

2005-04-15T16:52:00.000+01:00

For the second time EVER I'd like to point out how livid I am that Ava confused me and Glod. Now, I'm resisiting the urge to say something that I'll regret, suffice to say that I'm really quite angry. I know it's a bit petulant, but Glod was never going to go to Edfringe, or atleast not to do The Play. I guess I feel a bit like Glod's become the leading force in the blog, saying Maiden's avatar's crap (though not in a chronological sense), and other stuff that I won't bother saying but all of which feeds his ego and gives him the continued feeling that because he created the blog, he's the only important one, followed by the readership and then us pieces of shit who are nowhere near as important as the readership because our Lord Glod knows us so even if we do nothing there's always the whole 'he knows us in real-life' thing to fall back on and after all, Glod's the only important one on the blog so we might as well just crawl into our graves and die. And now, the readership (what a stupid fucking name) thinks that all the interesting stuff happens to him, even planning to go to Edfringe. Well, that's about it. And if you don't like it then fuck you.

Second Post

2005-04-13T19:22:00.000+01:00

Ava, Glodis overly obssessed over you, he won't shut up about you at school. If I were you, I'd keep away from him, or at least stop treating him in a way that makes us all feel like you are obssessed with him as well. Unless you are obssessed with him. But it's not my place to tell.

Well,There Go My Plans for This Year

2005-04-13T13:48:00.000+01:00

If you can't be arsed to read all of this just think "shit". But at least this will be broadcast in May.
Perhaps maybe I should mention the main theme to help my readers, but maybe not.

Bob, and Phillip

2005-04-12T20:29:00.000+01:00

Ava is not the only one who can post pictures of friends and pets (being petty makes me feel good). Here are Phillip and Bob. Bob is two healthy looking (I think), albeit small, examples of Sarracenia Minor, who eat beetles even though they cause the pitchers to rot and die (indegestion?). Do you realise how often the word "die" appears in this faq (please note, the window sill section is only a small part of the whole). I think I've done pretty well considering I grow it in a bottle, on a north facing window sill, forget to water it, don't let it hiberante, and can't be arsed to re-pot it. Phillip is fine also.
Since all this abuse seems to be too good for just one (ok, two) plant I'm thinking of growing some other sarracenia, what should I choose?

Posted by Hello

Goodbye...

2005-04-12T16:07:00.000+01:00

As you probably don't know, after this post, Colonel Ducky will be gone. As such, I'm here to give him a nice farewell, if not a particularly good one.

An ode to Ducky
Goodbye Colonel Ducky
to the March section
I like to think you guided us
towards the right direction
I spent an awfully long time
trying to crop your hat
now relegated to the past
and that, I guess, is that

Well, that's the poem over with. Now I'd like to spend some time telling you all about how great Colonel Ducky was. He was not a selfish rubber duck. He worked hard to get to where he was, that is to say, he worked hard to become a Colonel. He had to leave a lot of friends, which I guess is kind of selfish, but he donated all of his wages that he didn't need to live to worthy causes, so many worthy causes in fact, that I won't even start listing them. It doesn't matter that he now has a mansion, because that was donated by the orphans he had raised from to be either astronauts or the inventors of all-new miracle drugs. He was offered one from Dubya Bush, but he told him he'd rather leave the navy and become a full-time dog-poo-on-the-floor-picker-upper-without-even-using-an-inverted-carrier-bag-on-your-hand-er. That showed him. and that's just about it. Probably download Stoner Witch by Melvins some time this week. Other than that, not much more to say. Kim Gordon, why do you ignore me? Is it because I haven't said anything to you yet?

Lies, all of it.

2005-04-08T22:24:00.000+01:00

Advertising is corrupt. 20 seconds of television in which to pledge allegiance to a capitalistic empire.
Anyway. I thought my life was pretty much complete. Then along with New Scientist came a parasitic leaflet offering me 3 books for 3 Pounds (I'm in tears now, because shitty AOL has eaten this post for the third time, my eyes hurt and I can't see the keyboard because it's past my bedtime so I'm sitting in darkness, and frigging Dell's frigging keyboard won't let me type a pound sign despite the fact that it's clearly above the 3, watch: # see?). Included was The Radioactive Boyscout, the astonishing true story of a boy scout who built a nuclear reactor in his shed. Glod is Glod is Glod, so I want that book. Look at the pretty front cover, the hero in a triumph salute, he's done great things, and in a shed.
Amazon, however, seems to imply that it's a depressing tale of a boy failed by society which allowed him to endanger everyone around him through his neurotic obsession. Surprisingly this was for a badge, though exactly which one is not made clear. But still, it is only a pound.

I don no

2005-04-08T09:29:00.000+01:00

First post, there

Glod The Artist

2005-04-06T19:49:00.000+01:00

My first corpse has finally been posted, a corpse being a picture composed of several segment drawn by different people being given just a small slice of the previous slice for the sake of continuity.
Hopefully now that I've gained recognition in the art world people'll buy my art on e-bay stay tuned!), including, but not limited, pop-up desk tidies fashioned entirely from free leaflets on how to start a business. You know you want one.

Meme Time

2005-04-03T12:03:00.000+01:00

Courtesy of Ava ('Cause I'm weird)

You're stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
This book I read once, may or may not have been one the Adrian Mole ones, anyway the main character writes some trashy novel, and the main character of that writes some ridiculous novel about cave people, and a cave person begins writing a book, in the dirt, with a stick. I want to be that last book because it seems the most likely to survive. I may, of course, actually dreamt all of this.
Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
I'm surprised to say, no. I'm usually very detached emotionally from characters, I've just realised. When Corporal Carrot got shot in Men at Arms I felt emotion for a character for the only time. He's such a great dwarf. He couldn't die! And then he got better, before his girlfriend got shot. Didn't care about her though.
The last book you bought is
Ted L Nancy's Letters from a Nut, the letters about the mannequin and the deceased neighbour are hilarious, remember to read out loud for full effect.
The last book you read:
Can't remember, might of been Peter Carey's Wrong About Japan
What are you currently reading
The Time Traveler's Wife, about a bloke who sporadically accidentally slips through time, and includes many interesting social situations, such as what to do when you're completely naked and meet your 6 year old future wife. Though I think the author has a hidden agenda when it transpires that he can keep it slightly under control by having sex as often as possible. Convenient that, could have been tidllywinks.
Five books you would take to a deserted island and why?
Unfortunately the BBC series Rough Science doesn't have a book, so if I can't do science in the wilderness I'll just have to make do with survival, using the SAS Survival Guide. The second choice would be The Collapse of Chaos by Jack Cohen and Ian Stewart. It would keep me busy for a while as I try to grasp some of the harder concepts of why a lot of conventional (reductionist, which tries to explain to explain things from simpler levels) science is fundamentally flawed and that most things can be explained by simple external interaction, mainly in the fields of evolution and emergent properties. It's actually quite hard to describe this amazing book, which covers so many things, so just read it, ok. FHM, I have no idea what months of isolation will do to you sexually, and I think both me and the animal inhabitants would be happy if I didn't take any chances. Still two more to go, darn it. Well Desert Island Discs can't be wrong, they give everyone the Bible and complete works of Shakespeare, so I'll take them too.
Who are you going to pass this stick to (3 persons) and why?
Jay, because Librarians have feelings too.
Android, because he keeps pretending to be suicidal, and seemed quite upset that he didn't get these questions
Ned, she has funky eyebrows.

Do I look like a robot?

2005-04-01T18:19:00.000+01:00

Sorry about last night's post. I was a bit out of it. Kyle no longer has phone, camera or access to PC since his mum allegedly found porn on his computer. Poor guy. He'll probably get loads of texts off 'friends' he's found on Yahoo. Josh's mum's wedding tomorrow. Groom's scottish so Josh'll be in a kilt.

Rock out censorship!

Bailey seems to have forgotten how much trouble we're supposed to be in for the conga. Oh well, he may remember before we go back. Do you remember how Maiden was on the internet on Tuesday when we slapped him with a fish? I'm sure he was... This means that he has no good reason to not blog. That git.

I'll be grazing by you window, please come pat me on the head, just wanna find out what your, nice to me for

is this the end

2005-03-31T22:18:00.000+01:00

i wont furnish this with things like punctuation or grammar just the words not even pictures i remember when the blog served to drive me into depression i was a wreck i was tempted by suicide and found no release anywhere except the blog it doesnt take long to notice the vicious circle at work but it also felt quite good like a had some kind of purpose glod was the eccentric maiden was the news reporter although its debatable as to the reliability of his bulletins and i was the depressed one who wouldnt stop going on about it and now im that same guy again the triangle of power is almost reformed now maiden has to do something i am a lonely fucker who has a crush on a girl who wants to cut my hair but i look a bit like j mascis when i do pull a certain face and thats good enough for me